Break-up letter~

Dear Nick, 

Before you came into my life I saw myself as ultimately unlovable. I felt like if anyone knew me well enough, they would become so disenchanted by my flaws that they would leave me high and dry. I thought it’d be years before anyone really took notice of me, I didn’t think I was the kind of girl guys wanted. At least, not young guys. And I thought that love was a very hard, heart-wrenching task that was more commitment and stubbornness than affection. 

And you changed my world. You showed me that I could be loved, even treasured, even after you knew all my nasty, snobby, self-centered flaws. Even after you’d seen me in a vindictive mood for no justifiable reason, even after I’d hurt you when you were already down, even after you’d seen me snoring, with no makeup, in saggy pajamas, after tears and sleepless nights, after nights, after nights. 

Not only that, you made love fun. You showed me it wasn’t a stressful chore. You showed me it didn’t require blind determination just for the sake of it - you made me love love. You made it so much easier to forgive. I loved our petty fights, honestly, because I’ve grown up with such huge fights, about religion and direction and love and hate, and when we got in fights they were always so normal and simple. Hurt feelings or small selfishness or jealousy. Honestly, even while we were fighting and I was pissed at you, I was still loving it. I loved knowing that in 30 minutes you and I would have forgiven each other, wiped each other’s tears, and would be in the middle of a whirlwind of I’m sorries and I love yous. 

I loved seeing things work. I loved the fact that when I supported you, you were a stronger person, and when you cuddled me, I was a softer person. I loved knowing that you were on my side. That if I woke you up in the middle of the night, crying, you didn’t have to know why or what had happened before you extended your full attention, affection, and loyalty. Actually, I can’t count the number of times I woke you up in the middle of the night, upset about something or other. And you didn’t EVER complain about being tired, or fall asleep on me, or even give the impression that you felt put-out and WANTED to fall asleep on me. 

I was shocked at how easily we get along. I’ve never in my life known anyone whom I share so many behaviors with - the same instinctive desires. We functioned on so many parallel planes. We were tired by the same things, feel mischievous about the same things, bothered by the same things. We were moody in the same ways. 

I loved being spoiled. No one has ever spoiled me like that, before. No one sent all the love notes or the presents or the cuddles, no one desired my company so often, no one gave me so many smiles or teasing that was always flattering. I always cringed at people’s pet names but whenever you started calling me princess I honestly loved it, because it was exactly how you made me feel, every single day. Because you actually took care of me like I was something precious that was worth looking after. You were always interested in how I was, what I was doing, what my plans were, what you could do to make me feel better. And there wasn’t a time I didn’t just fill up inside with gratefulness that you were in my life. 

I’m going to miss so much. I’m going to miss waking up to you every day and going to sleep with you every night. I’m going to miss having someone to turn to at any moment of any day and I’m going to miss having you turn to me. I’m going to miss the promises of better memories than the ones we’ve already made, the memories that keep me warm when I’m lonely: Your hugs and your cuddles and your silent giggles and the ticklish spot above the backs of your knees and your cheek-kisses. and the frustrated laugh you got in your eyes when you wanted to kiss my lips, not my cheek, but you had to respect my dad. 

You accepted all of the different versions of me. The philosophical one, the missionary saint one, the funny one, the cutesy one, the naughty one, the angsty one, the irrevocably despondent and weepy one, the snobby one, the preachy one, the clingy one. Instead of calling me despondent, you’d say I was tired. Instead of saying I was preachy you’d say I was stressed. Instead of saying I was clingy you’d say I was cute. You always defended me and set me in the best light, even when I gave you my worst for days on end. I remember the 10 days straight I treated you like dirt and nagged you for everything and no matter how much it hurt your feelings or confused you, you defended me, every single day.

You always thank me for saving you and talk like you’re in debt to me without ever acknowledging that you’ve grown me as a person into someone stronger, happier, braver, more secure, kinder and softer and more loving. By being the man in my life, you let me finally learn how to be a girl. By being accepting, you let me finally be honest with myself. You let me explore myself and my personality, test my wings and grow all in your compassionate and steady oversight. 

PS: you always hated your nose, and I was always worried that Skype skewed it and when you got here I’d see it and hate it too, but you got here and I loved your nose to bits. It’s one of the best noses ever. And I always thought if we got married and had kids I hoped they would all have your nose.

PPS: But I’m serious about hating your posture omg stand up STRAIGHT. Don’t walk like a twerp! If you want people to believe you’re 5’9” try standing at 5’9” every now and then!

Posting this because I want the whole world to see that we WERE good for each other, and being together was NOT a mistake, and so everyone knows how much I love youuuu. 

Nick Nicholas my life break up letter 2013

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